Me.

Lately my blog entries have all been about topics such as work, day to day occurrences, things I'd like to buy, but they have been becoming less and less about "me." There still is a bit of me in there as they are written by me and involve my actions, reactions, and feelings about certain things. But... I feel in these entries I could delve deeper into who I am... and I will.

My life is often driven by or lived in despite of my own intense anxiety. I suffer from a great deal of anxiety nearly every day in various areas of my life. Before I go out driving on a route I don't normally take, I need to mentally prepare myself and overcome the anxiety about it. When I was in university I needed to mentally prepare myself before writing exams and overcome the anxiety about it. When I go to work, I am FORCED to do things in spite of anxiety and interact with all sorts of people and be involved in all sorts of work relationships despite having a history of extreme social anxiety. For one thing I hate phones. These days I can handle work related phone calls because I am use to them. I can also handle phone calls with a purpose. But I cannot handle phone calls just to talk. They weird me out. I also get nervous and my heart beats faster when my phone rings, because I am afraid that it will be... work. I also use to get nervous when it would be my parents because they would ask how school is going and when I was in university I had a very hard time pushing myself to get things done and as my workload grows I would get more anxiety over it. I get the same way with cleaning. For starters I am going to say I love a clean apartment. I am in my element when I am in a clean apartment. However if the cleaning task starts to grow a little bit more and more over time, the task becomes more daunting and thus I may at times avoid cleaning and avoid certain areas of my apartment because they are so messy and almost look "horder-like." However in my new place I am adamant about keeping it clean. I think an unclean living space may contribute to my negative moods and depressions. Plus, I just love the aesthetic of a nice apartment or home. In summary... I am always loaded with anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety can be so intense that it is like... depression.

I also tend to cling to my negative emotions. I in a way like to be sad. I like to be angry. I like the cathartic feeling of releasing my sad emotions. However at the same time, when I am sad... I feel.... sad. It can be paradoxical and confusing and I am not sure the best way of describing it. Sometimes I think I just like to feel something instead of nothing at all... and sometimes I do feel slightly devoid of emotion... and sometimes I feel like I just need to... feel something.
As a whole, I do want to be happy though. But I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to maintain positive emotions. Negativity always hits at some point. I also don't always really know how to express positive emotions or excitement, but I would like to.
I am very introspective.... however I find character flaws to be more intriguing so that is what I focus on. I also find character flaws more easy to identify.
I was going to type more, but suddenly I'd rather eat than type. So perhaps in future I will add a second part to this entry... or I might just leave it. Who knows what future me will decide. But anyway.... Bye for now.