Me2: The Purge.

This is a continuation from my last blog which I wrote about 5 minutes ago...

I feel like I am isolated from the world. I feel like there is a disconnect between me and everyone else. I've always felt that way. I've never known how to be part of a group or a community. But in the instances that I do weasel my way into being a part of a group, it's good. Sometimes being among a group, I still do not feel like I am part of the group.
I don't feel like other people think or act in the same manner that I do... and I try to use that as an advantage to make myself seem interesting. But sometimes I just feel so alone. I've been in one (real) relationship in my lifetime... and a relationship is not an easy thing for me to come by because of the difference between myself and others. My ex boyfriend and I did not have everything in common. I had my interests and he had his and there was some overlap. However, I feel that on some level we did connect and at times I felt incredibly comfortable with him... Now any relationship I have in the future will have to live up to that and I can't really foresee that happening.

But I long to connect with someone. I need that person who I can share the things that I think and feel and who will know exactly what I am conveying. People NEVER know what I am conveying. They always miss the point completely.

As for the guys out there.... they either just want sex, want nothing to do with me, or think there is a connection or potential connection when there is nothing between us and nothing is all there ever will be between us.

I like to be perceived as a strong, confident person. I like to be perceived as a powerful person. I like to have power. I dislike being viewed as "shy" even if people think it is endearing. I don't like being seen as passive or submissive. And if people ever assume so and try to take advantage of that assumption, I will see to it that I destroy and humiliate them. In certain circumstance I can be very confrontational and relentless. In an argument, I will refuse to lose. I will not lose. I will come out on top. Speaking of which... I am a top. I am not a bottom. I don't like it when people assume that I would be a bottom. That is ridiculous. I like (hot) bottoms though. They make good sex partners.

My attitude towards sex... Before I write anything... some readers may want to stop if you don't want to find out too much information... I don't feel like holding back today........... I love sex. I love hot bodies. I like hot guys with nice asses. To some degree I am very, very shallow. When I am particularly hot & bothered my desire for merely a physically attractive male body for me to ravage is very very high.... HOWEVER... these days I can't bring myself to do it. There are the hot or at least decent guys who I have the chance to do it with except I can't stand the awkward social interaction (or lack there of) that goes along with it. I can't stand the cold, base, antisocial, subhuman detachedness from the majority of the horny bastards out there.... and the guys who have a little more going on personality-wise.... just don't meet my physical standards and plus I also often do not feel an emotional connection anyway. With my ex I had that comfort... and it wasn't just about the sex... there was the love and emotional connection and it was just so much more. Emotionless sex can't compete with that. Therefore... I often greatly desire sex... but turn it down... about... 100% of the time.

My physical self image. I am never really happy with the way I look. I have gained and lost weight a lot over the years. At times I will exercise excessively to improve my image and eating habits vary a great deal. I've gone through phases of eating very little. However I like food and sometimes I eat too much. On very rare occasions I have induced vomiting after eating too much. These days I try to be health conscious and make an effort to eat well.
Right now I have a goal to be leaner and more slim. I'd also like my head to be less fat but I don't think that will happen.

I want my last topic of discussion about me to be a positive one. So I am going to talk about my passion for the arts. I have always enjoyed the process, product, and aesthetic of creating something. I love acting. I love being on stage. I love being in front of the camera. I love drawing. I love writing screenplays. I love directing films. I love editing films. Leading the creation of a film or being a part of a stage production are the most invigorating and euphoric experiences of my life. I hope to find the time to do more of it in the future as it is the greatest passion of my life.