Life Re-Evaluation

Okay.... So this past week was my first full five day week I worked at my new job without going on vacation... and it was good... and bad. I really have mixed emotions about what I am doing. It can be a rather stressful position at times. Also, going to this job seems to really take over my life during the week... and... I don't exactly agree with the politics of the place? I am not sure I am really comfortable with the approach I am expected to take in doing my job. Plus... It's not my dream job. I sort of feel like I've trapped myself in something... In ways I do enjoy me job... but it's not something I want to do for several years. Before I was thinking I might move up through the company and I could have a good full time career out of it... um.. I don't want to. I have a good steady pay check going right now and I am not going to be a nuisance and quit right away. I would like to work my way out of debt with this job and gain some great experience with my responsibilities I have. But, I need to really do what I love in life....

This weekend I went to Ai-kon with some friends of mine. It was fun... and there were good times and bad times and sad times and more good times. Anyway, after the experience of seeing people enjoying a form of art and going to a panel to hear a voice actor talk about what he does... I realize.... I must do what I love with my life or I will never be happy (Well, I WILL never be happy with my life due to my emotional wound that is doomed to never heal, but that's another story). Therefore... I've decided that this year I absolutely MUST get the creative juices flowing and write, direct, act in films of my own and by doing so create a portfolio for myself... So in future I can try in some way, shape, or from to get into the industry.

Anyway... I am getting a lot of anxiety over my job... A lot of it is the sort of anxiety that builds up BEFORE you need to go into work.. but then you're fine when you get there... unless of course I am walking into a complete gong show day... like last Thursday. That was a bad start to my day. There were a lot of things that went wrong in a small span of time.. actually most/all had gone wrong before I got there and I had to fix it... which actually wasn't difficult. Things seemed worse than they were... but... I just hate stress... I have like... a phobia of... life... sometimes.

Anyway.... I think the only way I am going to remain sane is to finally really push the film/theatre (mostly film.. and acting) thing... I feel like a wreck.