"Him"

I am feeling somewhat unhappy today and this evening. I feel lonely and yet do not wish to see anyone... if that makes any sense... anyway...

I was just on Facebook and I saw that it recommended I be friends with someone who I know to be an acquaintance of my ex... and thinking of him just put me in a moment where I felt so sad that I had a shiver. Pardon my melodrama... but I did actually get a physical chill in that moment.

Now that he is on my mind, I guess it is time to start reflecting on my feelings around what we were and how I feel now with regards to him (FYI, this will most likely be a large focus of many of my entries). It has been likely over 3 months that we have been broken up and much of the time I feel like I have moved ahead and he is completely behind me but thoughts and feelings about him always seem to creep up from time to time. I spend my some of my time wanting to see him and only him and if I do not feel like seeing him I feel like being alone (We never do see each other).

Lately I never actually feel like spending time with anyone. I find myself often declining invitations to hang out with other people or if I do accept, it is with hesitancy. I just don't feel like seeing them. One thing is that a lot of my friends/acquaintances are gay males and I do not wish to really go into the complicated territory of dealing with them when I am not in a state where I am ready to be hit on or have someone get the wrong impression and think that we have some sort of dating chemistry. Plus in general I often find it easier to be alone... If I want to mope I can mope or anything else I'd like to do... I don't need to worry about keeping someone else entertained. FYI, this is very much a post-break-up thing. Before my relationship I could not stand to be alone. In fact I got depressed if I was alone. Now, if I am with other people I am often just waiting for the opportunity to escape and be alone and comfortable again..... On the other hand I do get lonely sometimes and do want to see other people... but the people who I know and are available to talk to... I do NOT want to see... so that does not work out at all. It raises the question, "Who DO I want to see?" Do I only want to see my ex... and if I did would I even enjoy it? Do I need to talk to people who I have more in common with? What is it that I really want? At times I've gotten so restless and so in need for human contact with no desire to talk to the people who are at my disposal. Sometimes I get extreme boredom and dissatisfaction with the state of things in my life and I cannot tolerate it. At times I feel like I am going mad. Right now my thoughts are getting more and more scattered but at least there are thoughts to type.

Again, I've exhausted my brain of content to type. I actually suddenly feel brain dead and a little light headed. You can now see why I named this blog "discombobulated" thoughts.

Have a nice night!