Love, Lust, & Myself

I am going to talk about the general topic of "Love" and I don't mean "true love." I just mean the general topic of love in all it's meanings as far as romance and sex goes.
The concept of "Love" or "Lust" has a very dark connotation in my mind when associated to myself personally. In general my search for love, friendship, romance, partnership has been quite disgusting.
I have become a terrible person in some points in my life in the name of love. The first guy I ever had feelings for turned out to be the hugest ass on the face of the Earth. At the time I was naive. But as I realized how shallow and empty and disgusting he was, I began to change. I started to become more like him in a meager attempt to get close to him. However in the end, it was hopeless and I moved on and met someone else who I liked and I latched to him and scared him away. This is when I learned not to show how you really feel and to hold everything in and play with their heads. I also learned that no matter how nice someone seems when you meet them or how nice someone seems on the outside, deep down they are all just a bunch of wretched assholes who feel nothing. With this apparent knowledge I found I could use people for my own needs without a care for how they felt about anything... and I found I could say and hurt people without feeling all that bad about it.....
However... when I really thought about it I realized that is not the person I want to be... so I set a goal to become a better person. I used my time in the darkness as experience to be learned from and thought myself to be wise and calmed my wicked ways. However with my friendships & relationships I still always somehow ended up turning into the bad guy when I didn't want to. I lost friendships because people were afraid of how being around me could hurt them. Again, I continue to try search for the right way to be. I just wanted to be a good, interesting guy with no darkness, no drama.
My last relationship was very nice. He never knew about the darkness. We got along very well while it lasted. But we got bored. I ended up feeling a lot of anger and aggression... but for the most part I held it in... but he could tell it was there. With our relationship in a lull, we ended it.....
Then I had to face the dating scene again. The unfortunate thing is there is nobody out there I want to be with. They are all so consumed with style and sex. Style and sex can be very good things but... where is the substance? Where are the unique personality quirks that separate people from everyone else? If all that defines these people are style and sex, that's pretty.... damn boring.... and empty... and dark. Can someone with substance... someone who knows how to have fun and reach and connect with a REAL person please ... show yourself... and can old horny men please stop trying to talk to me? A large naked wrinkled bald man sitting at a computer trying desperately to get the attention of a twenty something is the epitome of wretchedness.

For a while after my ex, I just wanted to be alone and to not have to be exposed to all of that darkness. But now that time has passed, I would very much like to be with someone. However I am not desperately seeking or necessarily really seeking anyone at all. However, I have a sense of confidence that the right person will come along and will be drawn to me.... maybe. But I am not waiting, really... But I know that will happen. I am leaving the darkness behind and walking into a better future. I know I have the power to be a happier person than I have been... and I have the power to do more in life than I have in the past... and I will move forward and up.