Neurosis

Good Morning!

I am going to start this entry by stating that I have been feeling fairly good lately and felt like things have been rightfully on track. Now that being said, when I am feeling good (or not so good, I guess) I (obviously) would like to maintain that good feeling and therefore I would typically avoid any major thing that might bring me down. As of late, the one thing that might bring me down is anything to do with my ex.
Well, yesterday I had a good full day of work and worked a swim in there too... and got home, half ready to start my weekend. I was going to say that my ex was the one thing to bring me down, however now I recall the neurosis was starting to kick in before I even saw any sign of him. My work week was over and I was concerned about how I was going to keep myself content, stimulated, and relaxed throughout the weekend. I was sort of dreading a weekend where I'd be sitting around lost in my head, bored, and upset because I didn't know what to do with myself... which.... does happen. But anyway, that feeling was just starting to kick in and I needed something, anything.... and my ex was online on MSN... and I though I'll message him... it wont hurt.... so I did. He responded back and sent me a youtube link to a stand-up comic he was enjoying and he was very pleasant and carried our conversation well as I asked what he was up to and I told him about the good things going on in my life. This did make me feel good that we were still able to have a decent, normal conversation. Then, he had to go and signed off.
There was however one thing in that conversation that threw my anxiety just slightly through the roof. He was very excited that he was going for sushi that night. That is normal. Him and his friends normally go for sushi and chances are he was just going for sushi with his normal friends and I told myself that. But his excitement to go out still worried me.. I had a thought in the back of my mind that he might be excited to see a guy he liked who he was going to have sushi with.... even though that was unlikely and I knew it was. But I was slightly freaking out anyway... only slightly. Now, my ex is not the type of person to go around meeting guys galore... he is quite antisocial and mainly sticks to his own friend base as a single guy... but it's still possible that there's someone. That would bother me because even though I am not always aware of it and may not always admit it, but I still have affection for him to some degree and I cherish the memories I have of him. But... anyway... I'm crazy... and now that I wrote that down I feel better.

Now.... it is Saturday and I am supposed to meet with a friend tonight and I feel anxious about that too. I dread meeting up with a friend to only be bored to death. I suggested to her that I'd like to go out and do something other than stay in but I am just not sure what to do. I don't want to do a lot of drinking (one or two would be okay) because I just don't enjoy being drunk anymore. Another factor is that my achilles tendon hurts.. so dancing, bowling, golfing, etc... may not work out that well... however I'd love to do something active. Food or a movie might be okay too... I just don't want to spend all my time sitting around here not knowing how to entertain her or myself.... while drinking and just feeling physically ill from it. *sigh*